How to be a squeaky mouse
Okay, if you don't know this already, kids, here is a lesson.
1. Saturday - Review SBC, er, AT&T DSL bill...find that my normal expected bill of $50 is $85. (For $50 I get $15 internet service, a phone line, call waiting, caller ID and a load of taxes) $85!?? My brain verbalizes the 3 letters w, t and f as the sound 'whatthefu--'. I look for the phone and glare at it for a second. Bastards.
2. Call SBC, er, AT&T customer service. Resign myself to being on hold next 10 minutes. Review other bills in the meantime. Bastards.
3. Get through to Cust service and explain problem
Squeaky Mouse: 'What's the deal here? I usually pay $15 and now it's $50? Explain please!'
ATT: Let me look that up sir
ATT: Ah, well you signed up in Sept 05 and you had a promotional rate of $15...that promotion ended in September 06. You now pay the standard rate. It was a 12 month promotion.
SM: Actually I was told then that my 'normal rate' would continue after 12 months, and my 'normal rate' was $15. I don't think $50 is a good deal for DSL, and I really don't want to have to switch services. Am I really going to be charged $50 now?
ATT: Let me see if we can review your account for promotions....do you want me to do that?
SM: Yes. I have to switch my cable soon to another provider and I need to know if I'm going to be changing ISP as well.
4. Customer service addresses primary concern
ATT: Okay sir, your rate for the express service (1.5Mbps if you're wondering) is $19.95. Can I interest you in the higher speed for $25, or the superl33t highspeed for $30?
SM: You said l33t!
ATT: Er, I mean premium.
SM: Well, I used to game and may have needed it then, but for now it's good enough as it is, gimme the $19.95. The service is good and $5 for inflation/lack of promotion/Standard DSL cost is fine I guess. if you go up next year, I'm gone though
ATT: Okay, so your rate will now be $19.95 and will start the 19th.
5. But there is still cheese to be won. Squeak on brother.
SM: So am I still being charged the 50 for this month? Do we pay ahead or behind the billing cycle?
ATT: Ah, well yes, that rate was applied Sept 17, though you might get a partial back
SM: I am not happy paying $50 for DSL.
(pause...wait.... Let the silence work for you.)
6. I like cheese. Gimme!
ATT: You know what, I can issue a one-time customer satisfaction credit for the difference, would you like me to?
SM: Yes, please! SM mimics stabbing his enemy with a dagger and twisting it. 'Gotcha!'
ATT: Okay, that's all set. The $30 credit will apply next month. Please be nice if they send you a survey! because my bonus is linked to that part!
--------------------
So, you see... you need to ASK for these things, and you will get them. If you no ask, you no get. I'm not thrilled paying $5 more for my DSL now, don't get me wrong...if I could have talked them back into another 12 months at my old rate, I would have, but at least I got $30 just for the asking. You should ask, always. And be persistent...they are running you through a gauntlet and he who gets to the end will get a reward. If nothing else, you can exhaust your opponent and they will concede you anything they can to be rid of you.
You can do this with utility or credit card companies of course, or with poor restaurant service, car dealer or about any other business where two things are true. 1) The person listening to you is not paying the money out of their own pocket, 2) You are a customer with other options. Customers with other options are valuable. That's why credit card companies have entire departments called Retention. You say you're unhappy and leaving, they pull out a list of things they can do for you to make you happy. Remember that key phrase. 'I am not happy.' That works wonders, particularly if you say it more than once and then go silent and leave the ball in their court. Their resulting Christmas spirit is approved of by the customer service team's management for one reason. Only 2% of the mice squeak, and pissing them off isn't worth it. Give that small number what they want and you get goodwill. These particular customers, since they've already shown the willingness to attack you, are also the most likely to go out of their way to badmouth you if you don't treat them well -- they may even say nice things and do your marketing for you. Remember, even if you're not the magical opinion-shaper who influences others (and marketing people lust after those folks)...there's power in impersonating that guy.
Credit card companies are actually the easiest. They usually charge slightly more to everyone than they need to and only lower the rates if you ask...most sheep just accept what they're told, so in their mind they're doing nothing wrong. (Note that it helps if you actually ARE a good customer who keeps accounts in good standing.)
'Can I get a lower rate?' 'let's see...yes, you can'
'My payment is going to be late...strange circumstance. Never happens. Can I send it now and pay no fee?' 'Yes sir, I have noted it, no problem'
'Hey, there's a late fee here...I'm never late.' 'Ahh, indeed you are not sir...let me remove that fee for you. A one-time adjustment of course'
Oh yes, of course. One-time until next time I need something.
1. Saturday - Review SBC, er, AT&T DSL bill...find that my normal expected bill of $50 is $85. (For $50 I get $15 internet service, a phone line, call waiting, caller ID and a load of taxes) $85!?? My brain verbalizes the 3 letters w, t and f as the sound 'whatthefu--'. I look for the phone and glare at it for a second. Bastards.
2. Call SBC, er, AT&T customer service. Resign myself to being on hold next 10 minutes. Review other bills in the meantime. Bastards.
3. Get through to Cust service and explain problem
Squeaky Mouse: 'What's the deal here? I usually pay $15 and now it's $50? Explain please!'
ATT: Let me look that up sir
ATT: Ah, well you signed up in Sept 05 and you had a promotional rate of $15...that promotion ended in September 06. You now pay the standard rate. It was a 12 month promotion.
SM: Actually I was told then that my 'normal rate' would continue after 12 months, and my 'normal rate' was $15. I don't think $50 is a good deal for DSL, and I really don't want to have to switch services. Am I really going to be charged $50 now?
ATT: Let me see if we can review your account for promotions....do you want me to do that?
SM: Yes. I have to switch my cable soon to another provider and I need to know if I'm going to be changing ISP as well.
4. Customer service addresses primary concern
ATT: Okay sir, your rate for the express service (1.5Mbps if you're wondering) is $19.95. Can I interest you in the higher speed for $25, or the superl33t highspeed for $30?
SM: You said l33t!
ATT: Er, I mean premium.
SM: Well, I used to game and may have needed it then, but for now it's good enough as it is, gimme the $19.95. The service is good and $5 for inflation/lack of promotion/Standard DSL cost is fine I guess. if you go up next year, I'm gone though
ATT: Okay, so your rate will now be $19.95 and will start the 19th.
5. But there is still cheese to be won. Squeak on brother.
SM: So am I still being charged the 50 for this month? Do we pay ahead or behind the billing cycle?
ATT: Ah, well yes, that rate was applied Sept 17, though you might get a partial back
SM: I am not happy paying $50 for DSL.
(pause...wait.... Let the silence work for you.)
6. I like cheese. Gimme!
ATT: You know what, I can issue a one-time customer satisfaction credit for the difference, would you like me to?
SM: Yes, please! SM mimics stabbing his enemy with a dagger and twisting it. 'Gotcha!'
ATT: Okay, that's all set. The $30 credit will apply next month. Please be nice if they send you a survey! because my bonus is linked to that part!
--------------------
So, you see... you need to ASK for these things, and you will get them. If you no ask, you no get. I'm not thrilled paying $5 more for my DSL now, don't get me wrong...if I could have talked them back into another 12 months at my old rate, I would have, but at least I got $30 just for the asking. You should ask, always. And be persistent...they are running you through a gauntlet and he who gets to the end will get a reward. If nothing else, you can exhaust your opponent and they will concede you anything they can to be rid of you.
You can do this with utility or credit card companies of course, or with poor restaurant service, car dealer or about any other business where two things are true. 1) The person listening to you is not paying the money out of their own pocket, 2) You are a customer with other options. Customers with other options are valuable. That's why credit card companies have entire departments called Retention. You say you're unhappy and leaving, they pull out a list of things they can do for you to make you happy. Remember that key phrase. 'I am not happy.' That works wonders, particularly if you say it more than once and then go silent and leave the ball in their court. Their resulting Christmas spirit is approved of by the customer service team's management for one reason. Only 2% of the mice squeak, and pissing them off isn't worth it. Give that small number what they want and you get goodwill. These particular customers, since they've already shown the willingness to attack you, are also the most likely to go out of their way to badmouth you if you don't treat them well -- they may even say nice things and do your marketing for you. Remember, even if you're not the magical opinion-shaper who influences others (and marketing people lust after those folks)...there's power in impersonating that guy.
Credit card companies are actually the easiest. They usually charge slightly more to everyone than they need to and only lower the rates if you ask...most sheep just accept what they're told, so in their mind they're doing nothing wrong. (Note that it helps if you actually ARE a good customer who keeps accounts in good standing.)
'Can I get a lower rate?' 'let's see...yes, you can'
'My payment is going to be late...strange circumstance. Never happens. Can I send it now and pay no fee?' 'Yes sir, I have noted it, no problem'
'Hey, there's a late fee here...I'm never late.' 'Ahh, indeed you are not sir...let me remove that fee for you. A one-time adjustment of course'
Oh yes, of course. One-time until next time I need something.
posted by the squeaky mouse gets the cheese at 8:49 AM
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